I'm an Arrogant, Bullying Toe-Rag
by Yandeim Nareim
Summary: The events following the Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL were not James's finest moments. But they did end up being the catalyst to the relationship that defined his life. L/J Jily Rated M just to be safe.


_**I'm An Arrogant, Bullying Toerag**_

Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Duh. If only I did…

My relationship with Lily was...unique, to say the least. Lily, for her part, probably wouldn't consider it a relationship at all. I considered it a love/hate relationship. I loved to hate her. Or, to be more precise, I loved for her to hate me. To be quite honest, it was fun. At least, until that fateful day after the Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL. But to understand why that changed anything, you would first have to understand our relationship.

I began to really take notice of Lily Evans in third year. I mean, I _noticed_ her before then as that somewhat cute red-headed girl that hung around Snivellus all the time. But I mean, I _really_ started to take notice of her near the end of third year. I guess my hormones began to kick in, and she went from that somewhat cute red-headed girl to that beautiful but annoying goody-two-shoes who seemed to be the only person who didn't like us (us being me and my brothers, the Marauders). So although I took notice of her near the end of third year, I had other things to focus on, namely, the most difficult part of getting to be an animagus. So it never turned into anything other than noticing.

Then we went home for the summer, Sirius visited every other weekend, we worked more on trying to become animagi (being in a magical home where the Ministry doesn't know you're violating the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery), and I completely forgot about her as anything more than just any other non-Marauder student. Then fourth year happened. Talk about raging hormones. We got back to Hogwarts on September 1, 1974, and Lily had gone from more noticeable than usual to downright hot. The only problem was, so had more than half the other girls at Hogwarts as well. Not as hot, but hot enough to be fascinating. And they turned out to be much more agreeable than Lily ever did. So I proceeded to date many other girls instead. But, inevitably, I would make a fool of myself in front of Lily, they would get jealous and dump me, and I would move on to the next girl. And the cycle would continue. The cycle got old, so I finally decided to go after Evans directly. I asked her out, she said no, I shrugged and moved on.

Then we went home for the summer, Sirius visited every weekend, we almost perfected our animagus transformations (and sent Peter goodness knows how many letters to help him with his), and I completely moved on from Lily Evans. Then fifth year happened. It was a weird year and the Lily and James Saga. We got back to Hogwarts on September 1, 1975, and Lily had gone from downright hot to the most attractive girl I had ever seen. This certainly made the "shrugging and moving on" plan much more difficult. But I was never the kind to stop something because it was difficult (because it was boring? Yes, but not because it was difficult). So I started dating other girls more seriously. What were two week relationships the year before turned into two month relationships. But fifth year changed Lily from the goody-two-shoes who turned her nose up huffily at our (again, the Marauders') antics to a prefect who could do something about it. And boy, did I love getting into heated arguments with her that ended in detention for a week. No, that's not sarcasm. I would start with a prank, she would start yelling, and the banter started. She could match my wit step for step, and it was incredible. Sometimes, I would hex some random Slytherin (and the occasional Hufflepuff...sorry) in the halls as she walked by just so I could start that cycle over again.

The only problem was that Lily seemed to be the only one who could match my wit step for step. The girls I dated couldn't do the same. I would start arguments with them, they would start crying, and then I would get bored and dump them. And so the cycle continued. Until about two months before OWLs started. Apparently, others weren't as laissez-faire as the Marauders were about the OWLs. While Lupin occasionally bothered Sirius or I to quiz him (why he did that, I'll never know; the three of us got by with all O's anyway, and even Peter managed at least an E in every subject), others were spending every waking minute with their noses in textbooks and having panic attacks. Unfortunately, this meant I had no available girl to spend those two months with. This did not go well for Lily and I. Because that meant instead of bothering Lily to get into an argument once or sometimes twice a week, I was doing it every day. Apparently, while these arguments were fun for me, they were truly infuriating for her. Who knew?

One particular argument, just before the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, got particularly nasty, and it put me in rather a foul mood. As was usual, it all started with a Marauder prank. And, in our opinion, it was rather harmless. You see, people were stressing out _way_ too much over the OWLs. And we thought that people needed to lighten up. And the best way to make people lighten up is to make them laugh, right? And what's more funny than teachers making fools of themselves? Nothing, obviously! So, the four of us singled out some of the teachers that had a sense of humor (namely Dumbledore, Slughorn, and Barnes, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; we obviously didn't even briefly consider McGonagall…*shudder*) and gave them presents of their favorite drinks (butterbeer for Dumbledore, mead for Slughorn, and apple juice [I know, weird, right?] for Barnes) spiked with a little potion that would make someone sprout wings like a chicken and do the chicken dance for roughly ten minutes (any longer, and it would've gotten old and people would just get annoyed). We strongly recommended that they try the drinks at lunch the next day (we gifted these drinks to them the day before the OWL).

Dumbledore and Barnes were compliant. Unfortunately, Slughorn uncharacteristically shared his mead at the Slug Club that night (none of us Marauders were at the Slug Club Party, so we were unable to warn the students; we had all been invited into the club, and none of us had ever cared to join). So, while three teachers randomly sprouted wings and did the chicken dance the next day at lunch (to the raucous laughter of most of the students; mission successful), so did a handful of students. One of those students being Lily. Once the potion wore off and the wings disappeared and Lily no longer was doing the chicken dance, her face was redder than her hair and her eyes were flashing very dangerously. I am not ashamed to say I might have been terrified. While the teachers laughed it off in good humor and the other Slug Club students were just embarrassed, but too afraid of us to do anything about it, Lily was a different story. She always was unique. For some reason, she had eyes only for me, though. Sirius, Lupin, and Peter were able to walk away with no shouting, but Lily marched right up to me, grabbed my arm with a very impressive death grip, dragged me into an empty hallway, and lit into me.

" _What_ were you bloody _thinking_?!" she shouted at me.

"That people needed to lighten up. Too much studying and too much freak outs. People could really have done with a laugh," I said innocently.

"And you thought the way to get people to laugh was to embarrass some classmates and teachers?!" she shrieked.

"Well," I said, grinning, "the students were just an unexpected bonus. And to be fair, I don't think I embarrassed the teachers. They all seemed to be in rather good spirits, actu-"

"SHUT UP!" she cut me off, and I was actually a little surprised by this. This apparently was not the normal verbal sparring that we did. "I didn't need that! Nobody did! Just because other students care about their education and want to do something with their lives after school and know that the OWLs are actually important to _them_ does not mean they need to lighten up! It means they actually _care_ about their future, you git!"

"Now, Evans, that's going a little too far. It's out of line to suggest that I don't care about my future," I said rather angrily. She had no idea about what I wanted to do with my future, and she had no right to lecture me about it either.

"Oh, really? It's out of line to suggest that all you do in classes is goof around with your other brain-dead friends-"

"You really need to shut up now, Evans," I said, taking a step closer and towering over her. She had no right to lecture me about what I did with my time, and she definitely didn't have a right to criticize my friends either.

"Oh, sorry, you're right. I should've been more specific. Remus seems to care about _his_ future and put time into studying, and poor Peter is just happy to be in your limelight, but you and that idiot Black just sit around, never paying attention in class, never take anything seriously, and expect everyone to just let you skate by in life on your Quidditch talent," she said, not intimidated by me at all.

"Sirius isn't an idiot and neither am I! Just because we don't waste our lives away with our noses in books and instead actually spend time _living_ doesn't make you or anyone else in this school better than either of us! Just because _our_ friends aren't slimy, greaseball, Death Eater wannabes-"

She tried to cut me off by slapping me, but my reflexes were way too fast for that, and I caught her wrist before her hand reach my face.

"Don't you dare insult my friend!" she said in a deathly calm voice.

"You insulted mine first," I matched her tone, dropping her hand.

She huffed angrily and stormed off. She slammed the door of the hallway behind her and I had to ball my hands into tight fists to prevent myself from blasting a wall with my wand. I took a couple of calming breaths, which did absolutely nothing for my temper, and then walked out of the hallway. I checked my watch, and headed back to the Great Hall, as it was time for our Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL.

I spent the first couple of minutes of the exam just trying to calm down. I wasn't exactly worried about it. I didn't expect it would take me anywhere near the full time to complete it. After at least five minutes, I figured I might as well get to it, so I picked up the paper and started answering. As I expected, it was a breeze. I had to think about a few of the questions, but overall, it was pretty easy. I had to stick my fist in my mouth to stifle a laugh at question 10. I went ahead and wrote a monologue on it, just to make sure they knew that I was quite adept at recognizing werewolves. Because of that, the test took longer than I expected, but I was still done by the time Flitwick gave us the five minute warning, so I put down my quill and re-read my answers to make sure I didn't misread any questions.

I saw that everything was good so I put down my paper and relaxed. I knew Sirius was behind me, so I very subtly held up a ten with my fingers and turned around. He grinned and gave me the thumbs up. My mood was improving. No use bothering worrying about Evans when I could spend a break chilling with my brothers after the OWL was over. I started doodling absentmindedly to pass the time. Eventually, Flitwick finally called time and summoned our test papers. After a hilarious debacle where he knocked himself over with the scrolls and had to be helped up, he dismissed us. I looked down at what I had been doodling and saw I had written Lily's initials. Crap. I crossed them out angrily. My subconscious needed to catch up to the rest of me. I was pissed at her. And I was pissed again. Just when my mood had been improving. Once the others had joined me, we headed outside.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked, and I grinned.

"Loved it," Lupin replied. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. _Excellent_ question," he quipped.

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" I asked in my best concerned teacher voice.

"Think I did," Lupin said in mock sincerity. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin."

We all laughed heartily. Except Peter. Really, how was he concerned about that breeze of a test. He was really making it hard for me to get into better spirits.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail," he said worriedly. "But I couldn't think what else -"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" I snapped, a little harsher than I meant to. But, I mean, I was in a bad mood. Give me a break. "You run round with a werewolf once a month -"

"Keep your voice down," Lupin whispered hurriedly.

I complied and shut my mouth.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said. "I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least."

"Me too" I said distractedly, taking out my Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?" Peter said, his eyes lighting up.

"Nicked it," I said simply, and started letting it fly away before catching it. It was a habit I did whenever I was bored. I barely even noticed I was doing it as we plopped down in the shade of the nearest tree.

"Put that away, will you?" Sirius snapped. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

"If it bothers you." I shrugged and stuffed the wiggling Snitch back in my pocket. I sighed. Bored out of my mind and still a little miffed, I looked around the grounds for something to do. Maybe I could go swimming in the lake. It was definitely hot enough.

"I'm bored," said Sirius. "Wish it was a full moon."

"You might," said Lupin. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me...Here."

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all," Sirius said, snorting. Just when I was about to float the idea of going for a swim in the lake, my eyes passed over the exact slimy, greaseball, Death Eater-wannabe I had yelled at Lily for earlier. Just the thing that could help me deal with my temper.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," I said. "Look who it is…"

He followed my eyes to see Snape. "Excellent. _Snivellus_."

I stood up, and Sirius followed. I quickened my pace to catch up with Snape. At least he might put up a bit more of a fight than some other random Slytherin would, and I was in the mood to trade hexes with a Death Eater. "Don't care about my future." I'd show her. What more worthwhile profession was there than to show Death Eaters they weren't as powerful as they thought?

"All right, Snivellus?" I shouted.

Snape was quick, alright. But I was quicker. By the time he managed to retrieve his wand, I had already cast the Disarming Charm and Snape's wand flew harmlessly away.

" _Impedimenta_!" Sirius cast, preventing Snape from getting back to his wand as he had been attempting to do. I averted my eyes to the other side of the lake where Lily was. I'd show her.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" I said viciously. This was doing wonders for my mood. A couple of more hexes and I'd feel much better.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius said. He sounded just as angry as I was. Granted, Snape _had_ started spending a lot of time around Regulus. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word." It was phrased as a joke, but there was venom in Sirius's tone, not laughter or sarcasm.

"You...wait," Snape managed to get out, struggling against the jinx holding him in place. "You...wait…"

"Wait for what?" Sirius said mockingly, the same hatred thrown into every word. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Snape let out a stream of rather colorful words. He even tried casting some hexes, the idiot. Had he not noticed he was without a wand?

"Wash out your mouth! _Scourgify_!" I cast, pointing my wand straight at his mouth. He began gagging and choking as soap bubbles started to fall from his mouth. If I wasn't in the mood I was in, and if the git hadn't done much worse to Mary with his friends less than a month ago, I might have felt a little bad. But my conscience was being soundly shut up by my temper.

"Leave him ALONE!" Ah, just what I was waiting for. A chance to take out some frustration on the cause of it all herself.

I lowered my voice an octave to try and be a little more intimidating and said the phrase that I knew pissed her off, "All right, Evans?"

"Leave him alone!" she repeated. "What's he done to you?"

To me? Nothing. To everyone else in the school? A lot. But I decided to be more sarcastic. Remember? My temper. I really should probably work on that. But I knew how to press Lily's buttons. Insulting Snape would piss her off much more than actually trying to justify hexing him.

"Well, it's more the fact that he _exists_ , if you know what I mean."

"You think you're funny," she said, and her tone showed I was getting just the reaction I wanted from her. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_."

So I pressed even more. Pressed every button I knew she had. "I will if you go out with me, Evans," I said. "Go on...Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." Quite obviously insincere. I planned to cross wands with this piece of filth quite frequently, most likely even _after_ Hogwarts.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," Lily said venomously. I thought that was going a bit too far.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said, and I could tell he was masking amusement. Git. Then, several things happened at once.

Sirius yelled "OY!" as there was a flash of light, and I felt a searing pain on my left cheek, and instantly felt the warmth of blood cover my chin and drip onto my robes. Within a second, I had Snape hanging upside down in the air. Okay, I admitted that I was probably going a bit too far with Scouring Charm, but I didn't draw blood. Just when serving Snape with a little justice and annoying Lily was soothing my temper, it flared up again at her low blow and Snape taking this way too far.

"Let him down!" Lily shouted.

And because I was feeling especially pissed at them both, I simply said "Certainly," and let Snape crash to the ground. How dare he curse me from behind. Sirius cast the Full Body-Bind on him before he had a chance to curse either of us again. Good. Saved me the trouble.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted, and drew her wand on me. Really? She intended to do this?

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!" Honestly, I wasn't even the one that cast the Full Body-Bind. Not that I _wouldn't_ have, but Sirius, being the great best mate he was, did it for me. Evans was just as capable of the counter curse as I was. But whatever. I was sick of her. If it got her to go away, I might as well do it. So I performed the counter curse and Snape was free again.

"There you go," I told Snape. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

He cut me off, "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

I was actually stunned into silence. I was pissed at her at the moment, but _that_ was way too far. And this _git_ was supposed to be her _friend_.

"Fine," Lily said coldly, and I thought I could see tears forming in her eyes. Crap. Just like that, I wasn't pissed at her anymore. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

For Lily to resort to a Marauder nickname, she was clearly hurt. Snape needed to pay.

"Apologize to Evans!" I yelled, pointing my wand at him and thinking of which hex would be most effective. Before I settled on one, Lily snapped at me.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologize. You're as bad as he is!" And just like that, I was pissed at her again. My mood was a bucking broomstick that day.

"What? I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!" So that's now twice she's chewed me out. Honestly, was the verbal sparring always this dull? It was much more boring than I remembered. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Had the OWL pressure gotten to her, too?

"Evans!" I called, mainly because if I was _actually_ pissing her off because she was as stressed as others were, and this wasn't our usual back-and-forth, which it didn't seem to be, then I did actually feel kind of bad. "Hey, EVANS!" She didn't turn around. She seriously wasn't even going to let me apologize?

"What is it with her?" I said frustratedly.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius said, still sounding a little amused. I reiterate, git.

"Right," I said distractedly. Then my cheek throbbed again, and I remembered Snape was still there. So I whirled around and pointed my wand at him again.

"Right. Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

But I heard a very heavy sigh, and turned my head to see Lupin finally getting involved. Dang it. Why did he always have to be the moral conscience of the group. Sometimes I really just needed to let off some steam.

"Don't you think that's enough, Prongs?"

I sighed. Fine. I dropped Snape again. I thought about disarming him again so he couldn't try to curse us with our backs turned again, but, despite the fact that I had just been hanging him in the air, he seemed to not even notice that we were still there. He was staring at where Lily had been standing just a minute previously. I shrugged and started back towards the castle.

"You want me to heal that for you, mate," Sirius asked. We had gotten quite familiar with healing charms over the course of the year. Running around with a werewolf once a month tends to force you to learn some things.

"Yeah, sure," I said, my mind still on Lily. Crap. I really needed to apologize to her.

 **A/N: I experimented with first person in the first chapter here, mainly because explaining my take on their relationship at the beginning sounded a little weird in third person. And it was fun being in James's mind a bit. But I'm definitely much more comfortable with third person limited, so the rest of the story will be in that form. I'll be switching back and forth between Lily's perspective and James's. But don't worry, I'll have hard breaks where I make a switch, so it won't be confusing. Hopefully.**


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